Oh yeah! I could say it was a non productive days for me. I hate my self for repeatedly giving in to something I should have let go many years ago. I hate myself for being unproductive, for going again and again on the same circle. TOTALLY A WASTE. I keep telling myself that I am DISTANT, UNPLUGGED. But the truth of the matter is it's my poor choices that keeps me from being the person that I want to be. Mistakes after mistakes, the sad part is CONSCIOUS MISTAKE AFTER CONSCIOUS MISTAKE.
Not a while ago, I did something I knew deep inside I SHOULDN'T DO. I am good at it - I guess since I was independently making decision for myself. AND I SHOULD PUT AN END TO IT.
Less than 3 months from now, I'll be setting my foot again in the Philippines. Maybe for a while or so. There are lot of things that happened to me since I have arrived here. Some are painful, some are happy things, some are disappointments but most importantly lessons that will either help me advance in life. AND I WILL CHOOSE PROGRESS.
I am back on blogging for a better reason. To LEARN and to HELP (I'll get more on this on the next post). To be honest, i feel like I am stuck for the last five years. I graduated at the age of 19. Got a clerical job for a year then three years in a call center industry. My current job is something I don't really enjoy BUT I HAVE TO because for a long time the reason is I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE and the I HAVE TO thing again. I am 26 this year and if I will compare myself to my friends and colleagues, I FEEL left behind. (By the way, I now realized comparison and jealousy should be treat as a wake up call to improve in a positive and healthy way!). Some of them if not already established, they're married. One thing though, I don't mind if I am still single - I am actually glad I am still!!! But of course, there are major things in my life right now that needs a big change of perspective. So let's roll the carpet.
You know that "AHA!" moment?
When you finally say to yourself: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
When you finally ask yourself: WHAT THE FUDGE I AM DOING WITH MY LIFE??
Then you think: Why am I doing these things? REALLY???
In my old notes it says:
"If it's going to be, it's up to me"
I believe, no matter how many motivational videos, lectures and readings I do, if I didn't take a massive action or CHOOSE TO DECIDE to change, everything else is not worth having.
So today .....
I choose to change to become a better me.
I choose to unleash my full potential.
I choose to learn and learn and learn.
I choose to have a healthy emotional mindset.
I choose to be wise in my decisions.
I choose to take my time properly.
I choose to grow and seek help.
I choose to party with my self imposed fears, doubt and worries.
I choose to stay positive and calm amidst of difficulties.
I choose to HELP OTHERS as I also continue to chase my dreams.
I don't have the capability to know the future and so everyone.
But one thing I have a sure control of: MY RESPONSE to my daily life.
I want a breather and I need to put an end on this.
"Kasi, bakit ngayon ka lang ..."
"Sobrang gusto kita, but the thing is I have her ...."
All of these months, I was the one who keep assuming that he "might" like me, that he might reciprocate all the efforts I did for him and the time that I also invested. But these things are not basis to say you "really like" the person. Perhaps I just love the "idea" of having someone. I think deep enough to figure out why suddenly I kinda liked him. And yes, I was only looking for someone who will show affection to a heart that was bruised few months back. I know from the fact that he has someone already, but he kept pursuing. I know it's not right to expect anything from him, but I can't help it. Days pass and I am missing him. It hurts me if he would let the three days to one week before he will answer back my messages. Again, I shouldn't expect and also I don't have the right to demand. As a typical reaction from a woman, I would tend to pull myself from circulation to see if he would miss - but he didn't. I confined to our common friend but still that was not enough. I needed something that would let me know where I will place my self.
Then one day, I finally got the guts to do so ...
I told him that even If I say I like him, it has no basis.
I told him that even If I feel jealous, it's something I should only keep to myself.
I told him that we should be better as good friends, although deep inside there still a small part in my heart that is crying.
But, it turned out that it is him who really likes me, who regret why I didn't arrive early. He asked me if he will let me go, will everything be fine?
And here is the funny side of me.
"Wow ha! Ang guwapo mo naman! Feeling mo type kita????
No need to live this drama! I had enough. I just want to be happy.
No need to let go because I don't have anything on you.
One day, like before, anything will be clear. As of now, I would rather enjoy my friendship with you. Just like what you said, I could run to you anytime. I could be "makulit" and "madaldal" on you. You are the one who told just to be myself. I know my place definitely and I don't have any plan to be an option. I am not gonna expect any special affection from you despite of your confession. I could take advantage on that and play the evil one. However, just because someone betrayed me doesn't mean I have the license to do the same thing on others.
Until then, I am sure, Love will come when you least expect it.
I been loving this poem by Sarah and Phil Kay.
Love each words.
I knew exactly what Love looked like in 7th grade
Even though I hadn’t met Love yet, if Love had wandered into my home room I would have recognized him at first glance – Love wore a hemp necklace.
I would have recognized her at first glance – Love wore a tight French braid.
Love played acoustic guitar, and knew all my favorite Beatles’ songs.
Love wasn’t afraid to ride the bus with me.
And I knew I just must be searching the wrong class room, just must be checking the wrong hallway.
She was there, I was sure of it.
If only I could find him.
But when Love finally showed up – she had a bull cut!
He wore the same clothes everyday for a week. >3<
Love hated the bus.
Love didn’t know anything about the Beatles.
Instead, every time I tried to kiss Love, our teeth got in the way!!!
Love became the reason I lied to my parents. I’m going to Ben’s house.
Love had terrible rhythm on the dance floor but made sure we never miss a slow song.
Love waited by the phone because she knew if her father picked up that’d be “Hello”… “Hh..” “Hello?” “Hh…” “I guess I’d hang up.”
And Love grew.
Stretched like a trampoline.
Love changed.
Love disappeared, slowly, like baby teeth.
Loosing parts of me I thought I needed.
Love vanished.
Like an amateur magician everyone could see the trapdoor but me.
Like a flat tire – there were other places I had planned on going.
But my plan didn’t matter.
Love stayed away for years.
And when Love finally reappeared, I barely recognized him.
Love smells different now, had darker eyes.
A broader back, Love came with freckles that I didn’t recognize.
New birth mark – a softer voice.
Now there were new sleeping patterns.
New favorite books.
Love had songs that reminded him of someone else.
Songs Love didn’t like to listen to, so did I.
But we found a park bench that fit us perfectly.
We found jokes that make us laugh.
And now Love makes me fresh homemade chocolate chip cookies.
(But Love will probably finish most of them for a midnight snack.)
Love looks great in lingerie but still likes to wear her retainer.
Love is a terrible driver, but a great navigator.
Love knows where she’s going, it just might take her two hours longer than she planned. :<
Love is messier now.
Love is simple.
Love uses the word boobs in front of my parents!
Love chews too loud.
Love leaves the cap off the toothpaste.
Love uses a smiley face in her text messages.
And turns out… Love shits. :]
But Love also cries;
And Love will tell you “You are beautiful”, and mean it.
Over and over again.
“You are beautiful.”
When you first wake up, “You are beautiful.”
When you’ve just been crying, “You are beautiful.”
When you don’t wanna hear it, “You are beautiful.”
When you don’t believe it,“You are beautiful.”
When nobody else will tell you, “You are beautiful.”
Love still thinks, “You are beautiful.”
But Love is not perfect and will sometimes forget.
When you need to hear it most, “You are beautiful.”
Do not forget this.
Love is not who you were expecting.
Love is not what you can predict.
Maybe Love is in New York City already asleep.
You are in California, Australia, wide awake.
Maybe Love is always in the wrong time-zone.
Maybe Love is not ready for you.
Maybe you are not ready for Love.
Maybe Love just isn’t the marrying type.
Maybe the next time you see Love is 20 years after the divorce.
Love looks older now but just as beautiful as you remember.
Maybe Love is only there for a month.
Maybe Love is there for every firework. Every birthday party. Every hospital visit.
Maybe Love stays. Maybe Love can’t. Maybe Love shouldn’t.
Love arrives exactly when Love is supposed to and Love leaves exactly when Love must.
When Love arrives, say, “Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.”
If Love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her.
Oh yeah! Well. I will use my mother tongue and for once I will give my thoughts about this.
What do you call to a friend who calls you in a sweet way but you are not in a romantic relationship? Bang! You are in FRIEND ZONE! If you are the one who is wishing to have a relationship you are the Friend Zonee and if you are the one who is making "paasa" or you are just being jerk, you are the Friend Zoner!
And yes I am currently in this situation or maybe my mind is just in another dimension.
And since this is my personal blog I will give you a big piece of cake. I WISH I WOULD KNOW HOW GUYS THINK! But don't worry I have my own share of mistakes and I am being so emotional too most of time - ahm yeah maybe hahaha.
Anyways, being a Friend Zonee is much harder that the other. Ikaw kasi yung parang lumalabas na desperate na i-like nung other party then you are expecting na i-reciprocate yung efforts mo to make the person love you back. Ouch! It hurts dre!
And yes! I read articles about this to make sure if I am doing the right thing. Right now I have guy(s) who want to get my attention but too bad I am too busy these days. But the funny thing though is that I am hmmm, kinda a Friend Zonee on this particular guy. (but now I am starting to realize I just love the 'IDEA", also saw his photo moments ago and I wonder, why do I like this guy????????) hahaha.
This past weeks, I was really struggling to find how come things happened that way. Let me call this guy Mr. Mystery. We both know our status and priorities in life and yet we still have special calling to each other. I think as a woman who came from horrible break up, having someone who helped you moved on is a nice thing and plus you used to have sweet moments in the past. However, some revelation need to know and that made us in a level whether If I should stop communicating with him or just totally ignore his existence. No, up to this moment we still have communication but in a clearer status well for me.
"Attitude is a choice. A good attitude is a good choice."
Spent roughly 15 minutes in NH mart (after 12 hours shift from work, 21:30, Seoul) to buy something that can wipe my hunger. And I am proud of myself for choosing a healthy easy to eat snack.
Indeed, this is one of those daily choices I have to make on my way to success. On my previous post, I am a bit worried to have a sensible choice if I am physically tired but tonight I got to congratulate myself for winning today's battle.
CHOICES. CHOICES. CHOICES.
We all make choices. The moment we wake up we need to make a choice whether to snooze our alarm or jump off from our bed immediately. Well, after the seed of awareness in having life plans, I could say I am a total mess when it comes in making right choices - but not until this year. I thank the Lord first for letting some ugly things to happen in my life because He turned it into a beautiful lessons which I will keep for the rest of my life. I also did observations in my own life and surprisingly, it was a very wise decision to see the whole picture of myself. There I found those old questions I keep looking for answers.
So, okay, it's been an awesome months for me.
First, I got extended here in South Korea for six months and this is what I am really praying to happen.
Second, I had a superb week in February where I experienced being "consistent".
Third, I may had ups and downs after that but I will use that as stepping stones on how to do things smart the next time around.
"We don't need information because we are already living in information age. What we need is WISDOM" - Anthony Robbins
I like that quote because it really describes me. I have full of information. I know by head HOW TO DO THINGS THE RIGHT WAY. I just CAN'T pull it off WISELY. As I said before I am AWARE of the MUSTs things but it always well most of the time turned as SHOULDs.
So after few weeks of my personal observation on myself, I realize the next step in achieving the goals you created is this beautiful word "CONSISTENCY".
My March 2013 calendar
I have been in this mode since late 2010 :(
I started being "serious" (huh?!) in making plans way back in early 2011. However, I was not quite knowledgeable in handling disturbances and unexpected events. Well, yeah have to admit, I REFUSED TO LEARN and my motivation does not last as it is expected. Once I lose my interest, it will be followed by series of laziness until I forget the things I MUST TO DO. I noticed to myself that FOLLOW UPS a.k.a CONSISTENCY is the key factor on how to get things done. Those small actions I make each day will definitely make a difference. Perhaps the biggest challenge for me is when I am physically tired.
